DanHagen.com

Here at DanHagen.com, it has become a tradition to scour everyone’s favorite social-networking site for groups and communities that make you cringe. Whether it’s because of sheer stupidity, or ridiculous obscurity, they are hand-picked and put on display right here for everyone to make fun of.

Let’s not dwell on introduction now.

“I Flip My Pillow Over to Get to the Cold Side”
Do u have trouble sleeping? Do u find urself waking up in the middle of the night, and the only remedy to a good night’s rest is turning that pillow over so u can feel the cold side on ur face and head. Thought u were the only one who did this? think again. If you experience this same issue night after night, this is the group for you.

…No way. Guess what, guys: I have finally found a place where I can talk to and connect with others. I thought I was the only one who flips my pillow over in the middle of the night, just to feel the cool, untouched fabric hugging the side of my face. I was wrong. This group is definitely for me.

“15,000,000 for lower gas prices”
IF YOU THINK GAS PRICES ARE TOO HIGH! SEND LETTERS DIRECTLY TO SENATORS! LET THEM KNOW WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT EXXON POSTING $11.7 BILLION PROFIT IN THE PAST THREE MONTHS. $11.7 BILLION! MOST EVER RECORDED BY ANY MAJOR US CORPORATION EVER!

Gas prices are a total downer, man. Hey! I have a great idea! Let’s create a Facebook group that encourages it’s members to complain to senators. That’s when they’ll finally get a clue, and the gas prices will go back down just like I imagined. Too bad people are so lazy that they’ve never written a letter in their life. But hey, people will still join my group, right?… right?

Whatever. Turn your caps-lock off. It’s annoying.

“Mormon Teen guys that will convert Shawn Johnson to Mormonism”
All you Mormon teenage guys who are obsessed with Shawn Johnson and want to convert her to Mormonism so you can have a chance at marrying her, join this group!!!! Ladies you are also welcome to give us your support!

Wow. Really? You’re retarded. In fact, just a few hours ago I was crying in a corner because I felt lonely with nothing better to do. Now, all of a sudden I feel great, knowing that there are people who are truly willing to show off the kind of miserable existence they live. Good job.

“Because of Edward Cullen, human boys have lost their charm.”

…because of Edward Cullen, you are a ditzy female teenager who is living in a false reality involving vampire marriage. Stupid Biatch.

Reading about Edward Cullen has not only changed our perspective of guys, but vanquished human charm altogether. If you are completely infatuated with this unbelievable sexy, sophisticated vampire (why do we do this to ourselves?) this group is for you.  Thank you, Stephenie Meyer, now I’ll never find a man.

At least you’re willing to admit your problems.

“I am a Disney Princess”
For all of those girls out there who believe that they are truly a disney princess and love Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid, and Aladdin… Then this is the group for you!

Good God. I think these are the same girls who are in the Edward Cullen group. I wonder if they realize what the real world is like.

I’d say that’s a pretty good selection for ranting right now. I think I’ll pick one more.

Are you ready? Here is today’s stupidest, most moronic facebook group:

“I Like to Pick My Nose”
We all pick our noses… Join the group.

“Type: Just for Fun - Totally Pointless”. I sure hope so. I’m actually gonna give this group credit for using the image of Ralph Wiggum. It fits, does it not?

No. I’m just kidding. Seriously. Your face doesn’t suck.

On the other hand, group-dating does suck. It’s a blight among all of humanity. Why? Because it’s not even a real date. Come on, you guys. A date is a one-on-one “social activity with the aim of assessing each other’s suitability as their partner in an intimate relationship”. When you go on a group-date, you are essentially destroying the very foundation upon which centuries of social and human customs are built upon.

I am here writing this today for one reason: I have traveled to different places. I have witnessed… different things. I have seen people I have never seen, participating in things that I have never seen before. I’m brainstorming, trying to think of a simpler way to describe it, but it’s hard. These people… these people I am not used to being with; what are they?

…oh, yeah, these kinds people are usually always found outside of Utah. I’ve got it now.

These people are - by definition - normal.

Fig. 1: A typical mormon date.

Aggh! Such alternate realities! Such contrast! It burns my eyes!

I swear: I am going to collapse if I am force-fed anymore pressure to go on group-dates. Honestly. It sucks. What the hell is wrong with you people? Somehow, I don’t know what it actually feels like to personally pick up a girl and take her out for a night of dinner, ballroom-dancing, and wine-tasting. (Well, except for that last one. Which legally I am disallowed to do).

If I want to go on a quadruple-date to Chuck-E-Cheeses with Peter Priest and Molly Mormon, then I will. But the drive just isn’t there.

Fig. 2: “We’re really not having any fun. We’re actually
just posing for a generic stock photo to make
you believe that group-dating is cool. God help us.”

Mmm… smoked ghouda cheese. You know what I want to do? I want to go to one of those world-class restaurants/ballrooms that you see in the movies. I’m talking about the ones that are contained in fancy glass hotels with warm tungsten lighting. I would associate with people like James Bond and talk to hot russian chicks while eating caviar on toast. Or is toast not classy enough?

Fig. 3: If you don’t know what movie
this is, then you lose, sir.

Ok. I’m gonna get out of here. Before I leave, however, I want to shout out a loud and obnoxious “Thank You” to all of my friends and schoolmates who have polluted my mind and potentially scarred me for life.

Oh yeah. I’m also aware of my childlike tendancies to fantasize about movie settings. Glass ballrooms? I don’t see myself entering one anytime soon. Now be quiet.