After the transition to high school, I’ve come across an important social life skill that all students must learn at one time or another. Well, ok… it’s not absolutely necessary - unless you actually plan on taking a date to the prom. In this case, it’s actually quite critical.

I don’t know about you, but from where I come from, there’s a particular set of rules you must abide by when asking someone to the dance. First of all, it is absolutely unacceptable to simply walk up to your date and ask them in person. This gives them the impression that you are an uncreative douche who probably has a job, a life, or anything else that consumes a good amount of your time (such as calculus homework).

To explain: No one wants to go to the dance with someone with the guts to verbally ask someone to their face. This is why we have an (unofficial) rubric to follow when asking someone out. See below:

1. Have you used careful planning? It takes time and patience to plan out a wild and creative way to ask someone to the school dance.
2. Have you spent a minimum of twenty dollars? If you’ve barely spent anything on your little scheme, then you’re obviously not trying hard enough.
3. Is your invitation a pain in the ass to deal with? If all you did was quietly stick some forks in their front lawn and write your name on one of them so your date can find it, then it might not be tricky enough. Try covering their lawn with a thick layer of cement first, then bury the forks in the wet material.
4. Is your date pissed off at you on the inside? If so, then you’ve probably succeeded. Good for you.

This car clearly does not have enough post-it notes on it. Also, you shouldn’t reveal your name in such big letters.

The last bullet point listed above is very important. One of your main objectives is to make your friend invariably hate you because you did graffiti on their car and you wrote your name on it. Of course, they’re not actually going to express their anger at you (If they do, then screw them. They obviously don’t appreciate your humor).

As you may have gathered, it is important that you make them try to figure out on their own who you actually are. There are a number of applications in which you could do it this way. For example: Bake a large and delicious cake, and somewhere inside of it, hide a slip of paper with your name inscribed. Leave it on their doorstep with a message mentioning that they’ve been asked to the dance, but to figure out who, they must look inside of the baked good.

Your date has no choice but to eat the whole cake in order to find your name hidden inside. This will insure that he or she gets a nasty case of diarrhea over the span of at least a day or two, which will then lead to your date actually hating you (which was one of our initial goals).

Understand now? Good. I’m just gonna stop right here because I’m tired of making fun of my local customs. I just hope I got the general idea across.

Filed under: Humor, Rants