I realize that Halloween actually transpired a few days ago, but hey - I’m still going to write about it anyway. I’ll be quick to let you know that I enjoyed giving candy to little kids in costumes as I usually do.

The Halloween assembly at school was also held a couple of days late as usual (yesterday). It was corny and redundant, as school assemblies usually are - anyone can admit that - and one of the regular traditions is to show student films that are craptacular at best.

Yesterday was no exception.

Because of it being a horror film in this case, it leads me to rant on a lot of the same issues that plague box-office movies as well as cheap student ones: It was uncreative. It had no character development. Most of all, it naturally ripped off almost every other horror movie in existence. While there was an abundance of unoriginality, there was a painful lack of any tripod-use. Now, you may be thinking, “What the crap, Dan? This is high school. No one really cares about character development.” My response is this: Exactly. They apparently didn’t care enough to make a half-interesting movie.

Have an extremely generic plot/storyline, combine it with poor cinematography, and the result is a movie that no one wants to watch.

With this, during lunch, my friend Nate and I discussed how we could make a great horror film (It’s nice to know someone who thinks on the same wavelength as you). We both acknowledged how poorly thought-out this year’s school halloween movie had been, and we came up with some pointers on making a masterful new movie that no one has ever seen before. I realize that this sounds fairly ambitious… yet I feel I can do it. In other cases, I may be able to criticize something, even though I can’t do anything better than it. In this case, however, I feel I can safely use criticism because I can make something better.

Am I bragging? I guess that’s what it sounds like. Before you go, however, check out my personal list of things to make a really neat and refreshing new horror movie.

  • No screamers. Specifically, I’m talking about those cheap scenes that involve an image flashing onto the screen for a split-second in order to surprise you. This, my friends, is lame. Showing a hand materialize out of nowhere to suddenly grab someone’s ankle has been done a million times before. It’s cheap, and it’s lost it’s value. (I suppose that if you’re making a box-office movie, and you want to make a lot of money, then it’s more practical to film the same old cheap screamers in order to boost sales. On the other hand, if this movie is for non-profit purposes, then I think you’re pretty much a failure.)
  • Intense chase scenes are no longer intense. I’m talking in terms of horror films, when someone continually runs down different different halls and corridors only to keep encountering the same exact thing that they were hiding from in the first place. Yes, we know: You’re retarded and you can’t find your way out. Just do something different, please. Which leads me to the next thing.
  • Just because you’re trying to run away from something, doesn’t mean you’re car won’t start. I’m being serious. Is something running after you, right on your tail? Get in your car. Insert the key all the way. Turn it. The engine should come to life, and you should be able to drive away. Really.
  • Doors are tired of getting locked by themselves. After all, they are made for people to go through. I realize I’m getting picky here, but again: Please pick something else.
  • Please let us know the characters. This is where I will really start explaining why character development can be important. Just think about it for a moment. If we could really learn to connect with the people and their personalities, couldn’t things just be a bit more scarier, considering the fact that we can now imagine ourselves in their shoes? No one really cares if it’s just some stranger. Fortunately, most good horror movies manage to achieve this. On the other hand, the experience isn’t so interesting when this tip is forgotten.

Can you think of anything else? Perhaps I will add more when my brain is functioning better. All I can say is that if I am to make a good school horror movie for next year, it will not have the same, tired old elements. “Screamers” are an especially notable one, as this is the only way that most movies get their scares. My movie will be quite the opposite: Steady and slow-paced.

Wait and see.